my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. July 2, 2013, 3:46 pm. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. Do not let that behavior continue. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. I watched it when I was a kid. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. How the States Got Their Shapes for one. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Unfortunately for your husband, its not as easy for him to nurture his relationship with his adolescent daughter and rather than helping him and by extension, your daughter create a closer parent-child bond, you seem to be almost delighting in the Us Against Him mentality you share with your daughter (we look forward to him traveling so we wont have to tiptoe around him, etc.). If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. I cried myself to sleep. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. If he didnt care, then that would be more worrisome. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Its not rocket science. Nope, not from Scranton. bittergaymark A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. I was trying to figure out how to phrase it. lets_be_honest I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. She is also noncompetitive. Totally agree on the respect issue. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. You're surely not alone. She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. ). Which is exactly why she wrote in. 2. I mean you describe your partner (who sounds amazing BTW) as cultivating her interests and introducing her to things which doesnt sound like what this dad is doing. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. meadowphoenix But the dad is giving the kid homework? Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. My fave was Joey for the record. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. bittergaymark She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. Who knows? My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). Your confidence in yourself as a reasonable and intelligent human being may have rapidly diminished. To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. When I was 12 I was into makeup, boys and candy. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. Really not sure why I waited so long. I can't even. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. This is actually not difficult. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! Hes putting her down. Shes all the better for it. Hes embarrassing her. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. Without respect there will be no relationship. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. LW, I dont think youre siding with your daughter & creating an us against him mentality; you just seem to be describing how your husbands attitude has made you feel more distant towards him as well. Weird. That doesnt mean you cant enjoy shared interests together, but just do so as mother and daughter, not BFFs. Thinks hes hilarious). Before the 12 year was born. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. Up to a point. The first theory is that her husband is jealous of the close relationship she has with their daughter. I would challenge anyone who would suggest that the genre is a waste of time. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. Grow up, already. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Hopefully she'll see the sense in this and be able to move on. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. Seriously, the concept of the Q is what puts me on the agnostic end of atheism. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. Talk about missing the point. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! You may feel like you are caught between a rock and a hard place, trying to appease both of them while also trying to maintain the peace in your home. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! First let me say that my daughter is getting married and her dad is no help. Again, no. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. Make it a game. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! You dont always have to act like a 12 year old girl in her presence. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. But for practical advice: board games. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. If your daughter has seen how much pain and suffering can come from being in an unhappy marriage, she may not want to put herself through the same thing later on down the road. Here are eight ways to tell if your partner is harming your relationships with your family. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. Parents can gaslight their children and definitely their daughters-in-law, whether they realize that's what they're doing or not. Your email address will not be published. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. My parents werent interested in that stuff. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. Lily in NYC I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. If youre respectful and kind to each other, theyll be more likely to follow suit. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) Also, help them find a mutual interest. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. All other things aside, Im actually a fan of those assignments. I guess I dont know exactly how he does it, but in our house we have things like that but with politics/government because I believe it is truly important to understand our government, how it works, how it doesnt work, and how our beliefs affect our views. Thanks temp! sarolabelle Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter together. Definitely. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. I was in bed, asleep. The dad is setting the tone for the relationship here and it is one of disrespect for anything that isnt your own interest and his daughter is probably picking up that attitude and acting in a reciprocal way. Yeah, I think its going to be hard for her to get her husband to listen to her parent to parent if hes already being alienated. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Well, I feel like I may offer a different perspective on this. Shes not pulling away from the husband because he doesnt have the same interests as her daughter. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Um, not so much. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. But when I turned my attention towards nurturing my marriage, even though the kids got less attention, they started feeling more secure. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. It makes them feel safe. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. painted_lady If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. WWS, especially You may not see the rewards right away. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. Roll your eyes!?! (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) Liquid Luck Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. It struck me the wrong way, too. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. My husband s father always disparaged his interests when he was younger. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). honeybeenicki Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move.
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