(So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. Im usually free Wednesdays and Thursdays, or I could do a weekend if we plan ahead., Translation: I want to have dinner with you sometime. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! Your mother/father and I are going to X, would you like to come along?. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? I too wish I had the strength & Phoebe confidence to pull of that line. So the reframing may help. For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. Nobody listens anyway. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. So in the next day or two, perhaps on some morning when you leave your house and shes there waiting for you, you tell her, firmly but cheerily with giant beaming smiles that the morning walks will be separate from now on because those are for you to have conversation with your children. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. But if her idea is super cool or needs to be done on a certain date, Ill absolutely shelve my TV watching for another night! I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. There are two good situations for teasing: 1) when someone talks about something unusual like Lily did; 2) when someone is not very good at something, such as singing out of tune. Because everybodys got something. I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? Yay! Him: Doing anything fun today? To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. I shall think on why. I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. You on the other hand, will get off the phone feeling charged and energized.and get right back to doing nothing. But sometimes that comes across as I just dont want to, and thats pretty hurtful. Thank you for a better way to ask this question. 96 views, 2 likes, 0 loves, 0 comments, 2 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from J.Cano: Law & Order: SVU - Best Episode This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). As others have mentioned, if I say yes Im free and then they offer something I dont want, then I *really* feel the pressure to say yes because Ive already essentially told them I have nothing better to do. That's why you should remember these funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for the next time the question pops up: If you have no idea what degree you're going to get or where you want to live in the future, pretend that you have something big planned, but don't want to ruin the surprise. What you are currently doing. Giving my notebook a bath. What are you doing this weekend? If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. It follows the script they want, which is that the person they are targeting needs their approval of their reason for pleading off. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. None of us see each other over weekends. What are the usual scripts? interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Throwing another vote in for a friendly Why? or Why, whats up? Assuming I like them, I usually say it with a smile or an inviting tone. No, it had just been earlier that very day. Could be specific to where I am, though. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. THIS. Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. As far as I can tell both we should hang out sometime/lets have lunch and yeah, we should can translate to you are a nice person I have run into on the street or to I want to see you, lets make plans.. I have been thinking about this one for some time now, and Im stuck: What is a good response to What are you up to tonight / this weekend / next Thursday?. When we nearly got evicted from our housing situation, I was critically busy trying to find an apartment for me and the housemates, and it kind of annoyed me to have friends pinging me like Heyyy, I miss you, can we get lunch this week, without finding out if I was actually available first. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Unhelpful? I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? That takes some skill. For example, if there were a certain number of hours per week or month that she needs to work at certain things you set, Im not seeing a problem. You: Yeah, we should. No, seriously, TheDukeDevlin has the correct answer. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. As a lot of commenters have pointed out what are you doing this weekend can be asked in a variety of contexts with a variety of motives BUT one thing that has tended to work well for me is to just pick one thing Im to talk about without mentioning when it is: Im looking forward to my birdwatching class! or Partner and I are going on a hike! and then asking about their weekend. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. *Him: Hello, how are you? Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Its great that you can come!. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. Must say I kinda love your kids response. Is it just me? RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. Interesting. The same old answers get boring, so you should try a little bit of humor at times because you might make someone laugh instead of feeling awkward. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. The people asking the question are rude and betraying their bigotry. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. MY plans!) And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. Whats shes for is waiting on and attending to others, and without an opportunity to do that, she must be sitting alone rocking back and forth in the dark. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). Thanks, I woke up like this. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. Im saying lets not be unkind to the LW for disliking or feeling stress about this particular social situation. Im not talking about not dealing with this. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). Me: Nope. Source: Facebook. Indeed. Try repeating Fine, thanks. I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. I love that you are into mountain biking! What a mess. Its also pretty casual, and most people automatically reply to that question because its so common. Every time you see Pushy Neighbor, you go into this mode. It sort of came to a head last week when I was on the toilet, and the kid came to the door, and my kid answered the door, and the conversation was like But I dont want to? TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. Ive got a couple things going, do you have any plans? 8. It happens every time I get him as a teller. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. Theres still room for her to refuse. Is it OK to invite the usual people? Sorry friends, but bears, Zombies, whateverwe're gonna have to leave you behind. Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. So, I have learned its a lot easier if I answer I might be working that weekend (which has the benefit of being true, I do work most weekends) and then find out what she wants to do and decide if I want to go. Yeah Im keen., I honestly never get asked this question as anything other than innocuous small talk. The comment is sometimes a small talk, meant to affirm that we like seeing each other, and sometimes a prequel to an invitation. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. A simple, 'We hope you're doing well' will suffice," a Deadline editor tweeted. You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. Me: yes! or no, sorry. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? I can vouch for this strategy! And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). I hate ditherers with the passion of a thousand suns. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. You can try to head it off by always responding with some activity youre doing that could theoretically make you busy if it turns out you need to be busy But frankly if someone is trying to manipulate you then you have a manipulative person problem, not a specific question problem. If you follow through with people you actually want to see (as in, Can I let you know tomorrow? = You actually let them know one way or another tomorrow), you arent being a jerk by not responding immediately to their questions or invitations, and you dont owe a full accounting of your time. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. My white mom has a very unusual first name (I dont know of anyone with a name that is even similar, AND its spelled with a non-English character) and, 40 years after she moved to the US people still ask her where shes from. I agree with you based on what shes told me, it feels very othering, and she resents it. You have attached a new question to an old thread. Any fun plans? She looks so comfortable. What are you doing this weekend? Follow. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. 1. They were being blunt and probably didnt realize the pressure I felt to say yes to direct requests, and didnt understand why I felt hurt when, upon working up the courage to ask for something directly, it was turned down. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. Im white. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. That is my current standard response. What are you doing Thursday is a way to start a convo gently and without losing face, giving the answerer has the option of answering negatively, positively, or neutrally. So I said, Dont do this. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. So yeah, I think your Swedish approach is fairly standard for American culture as well. My blood pressure. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. If you need an answer right now then Im gonna have to say no.. To her it was rude. Its very jarring to see that thrown around when its a nasty slur here in the UK. I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not.
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